Hello. I’m just sitting here feeling so defeated. I think to myself there’s one thing we all dream of having and it’s having a family and a home together building ones identity through that. As a child we moved a few times but then my mother up and split when we were just 16&1/2 and 17&1/2 years old and left us with our childish step father I guess assuming he would take care of things but he didn’t he just began selling everything he could the washer dryer the refrigerator and appliances and then the furniture went and it was then my sister was forced to live in with her boyfriend at that time and me into my own apartment with my much older and abusive boyfriend at that time. So then everything else left inside our home was cleared out and the house was rented to someone else. My sister had what seemed to be a supportive family with her boyfriend at that time and his family and I of course was eventually poisoned with what the doctors said was sinuses or rat poison and my kidney swelled up five times it size and while in the hospital I was told that they couldn’t prove that my boyfriend did it to me for sure so he was able to walk freely and move on with his life. I then also had to heal and then figure out where I was going to live and how to pay for that too especially since I didn’t have a job. I ultimately moved into my own apartment barely getting by and found myself in another bad spot. I feel like I’m forever doomed to be in a bad spot. Well that’s just a SMALL bit of what was my childhood. I never had any support system and because of not having much family involvement I now don’t have anyone for my children. They have just me. My daughters kindergarten graduation was beautiful but sad as the child before her had a large family and group cheering for him and it became quiet and my daughters name was called and there was a tiny clapping from my 2 yr old son and myself. My kids don’t have a large support system but I will keep fighting to give them whatever I can. Praying my love for them and my cheers for their accomplishments are enough and when they grow up they all have one another to create that large family support system amongst themselves. Thank you all for reading my posts and my life experiences.
Tag Archives: Depression
Surgery update.
Hello everyone. I wanted to make a post on the progress of my umbilical hernia surgery but things went way sideways for me as usual. I just can’t catch a break. My surgeon was going to fix my tummy muscles since having children has spread them apart and makes me have a belly no matter what I do and fix my umbilical hernia too so that when I work out I don’t land in the er having severe pain because the fat has gone through my hernia causing me pain. Anyways as he opened me up he saw that my hernia was way larger than anticipated and he also found a second smaller hernia that he just sewed together and then he put the mesh in and it took much longer than expected so he couldn’t do my belly muscles at this time. He did make it clear that in about a year he would be willing to do the muscle surgery if I can not repair it with exercise. I pray exercise gives me what I’m looking for because this surgery is unbelievable with the pain for the first four to five days. It hurts to talk breathe and move in any way. Hurts to cough sneeze or potty. I’m much better now but my body is having an allergic reaction to the glue he used to see me back together so now my tummy is enflamed red itchy and just so sore. I’m having pains in my appendix area and went to see the surgeon today and my PCP and was given steroids by my PCP but the surgeon said not to take them to take Benadryl instead. What a mess. I’m just suffering so much. He says because he had to see some of my muscles together that might be the pains I’m having by my appendix so we will wait till Friday and see what the pains are about. Let’s pray it’s not my appendix and they burst or something crazy. I had three appointments today back to back so I’m really exhausted and having the kids who don’t acknowledge that I’m not doing so well isn’t helpful either. But for now I’m going to bed on my Benadryl and pray that the healing happens faster and properly. I’m just tired and ready to give up all together. I have fought so hard to just get a home and some stability for my kids and all these things keep happening to me and I’m just burnt out. Pray for me please I really need some positivity and good vibes sent my way. Thank you all for reading about me. I greatly appreciate your interest and prayers and concerns. Have a great night all!
Well needless to say another complication from surgery has come to light. So when I woke from surgery my mouth hurt like where your wisdom teeth would come in. I thought maybe the tube had prongs to hold it still and the anesthesia people just had placed one of the prongs on the wrong area and it would go away. Well it didn’t and I ended up seeing my dentist because I had no clue why my jaw was killing me so badly and I thought maybe an abscess. I see him and he tells me that it’s from surgery that when they put the tube in my throat they chipped my bone causing this pain and now I have to see an ENT or oral surgeon whomever can get it taken care of. It’s called something specific I just can’t think of it right now. Anyways I’m suffering tremendous jaw pain and taking Motrin around the clock as every five hours it’s work off and I have to bare to deal with the extra hour to take it again. It’s unreal. I’m seeing the ENT in the morning after weeks and weeks one this I can’t wait for them to fix it. I shall update anything relating to my surgery on this post page. Please send positive vibes and prayers my way. I truly can’t stand the pain anymore and I may even have strep and the flu on top of it all as my youngest was just swabbed positive for it yesterday. Ugh! Thanks for taking time to read my thoughts. Have a Blessed day everyone!
One heck of a day today
Good afternoon everyone. I just wanted to share my day with you all and all the photos I took today. So, todays my sons 9th birthday and in the position I’m in I can’t do much for him but I promised him a Minecraft cake because I couldn’t get him a Fortnite cake. He loves Fortnite . Anyways I ordered a cake for him and his sister whose birthday is next week then it’s Easter and then they go on spring break and obviously with all that’s happened to my van and having no reliable vehicle and struggling to pay my rent I really wanted them to at least have a nice cake. I felt that wasn’t much to want for their special days. I can’t offer them much at this time but the CAKE was important. Anyways, I am supposed to pick up the cake at SAMS at 10am and I was in the parking lot on the phone with my sons counselor and went in about 11am and looked for this $10 lemon front door mat for my sister which they were out of and then went to get the cake I ordered days ago. I ask for it and gave my name to the the employee who looks all over and can’t find my cake. I said where’s the form that the employee filled out for me? They didn’t have that. So then I said, oh my, please look for my daughter’s form for her LOL cake (5” cake with 8 cupcakes around same as my sons) that I’m also supposed to pick up in her 5th birthday on the 29th and she says, before I do that please let me take the Minecraft cake order and I will have her make it now. I was happy about that! But I had to get my son from school in about 45 min from that time ( I was behind schedule). So she takes the order and I had asked for it to be made with whipped cream icing on the cupcakes and for the cupcakes to be half chocolate and half vanilla cupcakes as shown on pics. Well they gave me all vanilla and no chocolate ones and I didn’t say anything about that yet. This employee walks away after telling me that a supervisor is coming to talk to me. So then an employee comes out and asks me if she could help me so I asked them to look for my daughter’s order form so I don’t suffer this a second time and she couldn’t find that order either. I pointed to the girl in the back making the cakes and said she is the one who took both orders maybe ask her if she recalls where she put the orders. She ignored me. The employee proceeds to tell me to make another order for the LOL cake and fill out my information and the date. I initially said I would get it the morning of her birthday but changed it to the day before just incase this happens again. She then says sorry this happened and walked away. So I’m standing there waiting for this supervisor and a different girl comes over and asks if she can assist me and I said no I’m waiting for the supervisor. She said she is the one who took my daughter’s second order. I was like she didn’t introduce herself as such so how would I know that? She asked if I want to speak to her I said yes. Now waiting longer while my 2 year old is watching his show a woman named “Marcy” I believe comes over dressed in plain clothes and I said I was waiting for the supervisor to explain the whole incident and she says well I’m the manager real short with me. I then explained everything to her and said how I’m going my best to maintain my composure as I have my 2 year old and have to go get the birthday boy in ten minutes so I don’t want to be angry and I feel like breaking down in tears but that will upset my son so I’m trying not to. She didn’t really address the situation so I asked her to get the second order form that I just filled out for the Minecraft cake for my son and I took a pic of it and showed her that they again made a mistake and gave me all vanilla cupcakes. She was like “what you want a mix” I said yes it’s on the form. So she hands the cake to the staff to give me the chocolate cupcakes and they didn’t even separate them one vanilla one chocolate as shown in the picture of the order book. They hurry and shove it together and she says to the staff you didn’t even put a sticker on it. Proceeding to say it’s fine I will walk her out you can have the cake free of charge. Ok great but why is she being so rude to me I didn’t even raise my voice. Other than to point out the girl who took the order. At this point I just have to go and get my son and get out of that store before I lose it and bawl because nothing ever just goes right for me. We ultimately set up and celebrate and as we eat the cake/cupcakes there was what looked like a piece of hair but it’s not it’s like a piece of plastic in the icing of the cupcakes. I saved it too incase they think I’m lying. I think maybe a piece of a net or something bc it’s hard like a whisker. It’s ridiculous. I just can’t believe it because I’m such a HUGE supporter of Sams I even joke with the staff in the clothing section saying my kids and I should be Sams spokes family we wear mostly Sams clothing and use almost everything from there and live their clothes, decor, furniture , baby stuff, food, and more. That’s how much I/we love SAMS CLUB. I am truly disappointed in their bakery and how I was brushed off like it wasn’t even a big deal both orders were lost and they continued to make a mess of my order. It’s so hard for me always and I’m a good person. I am. I don’t hurt peoples feeling or talk mean or cruel and always appreciate and apologize for anything I feel I did or accepted from anyone. Why is it so hard to just have people be nice to one another. I’m extra emotional when it comes to my kids because I want so much to give them a stable home and a happy loving life and everything goes wrong always. I will post pics of the forms and cake from the book and the first cake I got then the second when they have me the chocolate cupcakes. What do you think about this situation? Please comment if you read this and your thoughts on this situation. Please. Thank you. Everyone please have a wonderful weekend and enjoy every moment with your loved ones as that’s the biggest and best part of my days and that’s what I will take with me when I go. All my memories of my babies and my family and friends (I don’t really have any friends but those I had younger). Stay safe everyone and Happy Easter!!
I’m so sensitive and emotional
I’m such an emotionally connected person. I feel so connected to others and that has me on edge so much. I feel like I have been crying over everything lately. I have been able to ask for permission to leave items at my childhood best friend’s place of rest. I am there so much but didn’t want to be disrespectful and leave things without asking first. Needless to say I was told it’s okay to leave items and I have been as I miss my friend and more than usual lately. Him and his brothers were like our little street family. Growing up at that time we would leave our house after school and have to be home when the street lights came on as that was our rule other than that we didn’t have boundaries and stuff so we often were on that Street where most of the boys lived. Or the ones we liked. Anyway my friend has been gone for 22 years now and it’s still so raw like I have never gotten closure and haven’t been able to heal fully from his passing. He had joined the Air Force and left this state to begin his new life and was in an unfortunate accident and was taken away from this world so incredibly young. He was 20. I just can’t believe he is gone just gone. Feel broken like there is so much he had to offer this world and so many things that have been left unsaid. He was my friend and he truly meant so much more to me and he definitely felt that way too. We were just in different paths at that time and we knew that. I can recall so many memories of him and his smile his laugh his walk even how he would sit and watch us all and laugh and smile with us. I remember things I probably didn’t even think that much about, back then, as I was so young and him too. So much to process. I feel like he is a part of my soul family and look forward to meeting him and seeing him and laughing and talking to him again one day. I have been driving and I think about a question and the next song that plays sorta relates to my question and I wonder if that’s some kind of connection or strange thing I can’t understand right now. I’m not sure. But I do know that I feel connected to him and wish he would come to me in a dream or some that I can see him and talk about and remember the dream the next day. I will continue to spend time and visit him and sit with him at his resting place and give him some company and talk about stuff that happens but somehow I have to know why my feelings are so strong and what they are or mean. I feel like I’m the one person besides his mom that spends time with him at his resting place and I don’t know why because he truly is/was an incredible person and an amazing friend and more.
Been through some stuff but…
Good morning. So I have been thinking a lot about the cards I have been felt and I am so grateful even with all the awful turns and bad things that just keep happening to me. Because I’m grateful for my children and having each day with them even though it is a lot on me day after day I am incredibly grateful to have them as they are my lifelong dream come true. I have wanted children of my very own since I can even remember or knew where babies came from haha. Lately I have been thinking a lot about those who were taken away from us too soon. Or those that I knew because there’s been so many people in the world taken before their time. I’m so sad to think about those who are no longer with us. My Dad is the first one I think of and knowing how my sister and I call ourselves orphans because we may have family but we don’t have the kind of family like we would like. People who have a very involved and a family whom gets together on holidays and spends time together just because often complain how they hate their family being there or meddling in their lives but they are super lucky to have that village. That’s what I strive for my kids to have with me. An open door policy knowing they can come home at any time they want and I will always go through it with them and be here for them no matter what. Anyways I often think how differently my life would have turned out had my father not died when I was a toddler. I also think of friends that have been taken so incredibly young. When I was in middle school a friend had an awful car accident that took her life and I always ask why? She was so perfect. She drank sure but she didn’t curse or smoke or do anything wrong ever and she had great grades and was beautiful and just an incredible person. She had a great family and support system and when I found out she was taken it was such a shock because she’s such an incredible person. Then my cousin who is/was also an incredible person and young man who just had a child with his newly married wife. He also was taken was too soon. Just had his wedding and a new baby I just don’t understand why. Then there’s my best friend who I grew up with and learned a LOT about life with and ran the streets with (back then it was safer and we all did that) and had so many memories together. Needless to say he had left here to start a new chapter in his life joined the service and was such an impressionable young man. He was doing big things. He had such a beautiful heart and even saying that seems like an understatement as he was just an incredible person and so kind and thoughtful and giving and more. He was TWENTY when he was taken. At that time I was in a relationship with my ex and he was very controlling and I was not able to attend my friends funeral and that still sits poorly with me. But that was what I was dealing with at that time but I wanted so much to have some closure and to say goodbye for now to my friend. I have often thought about him and the weeks leading up to his passing and hoping that he was happy and that he felt love and all the joy with those around him. It truly breaks my heart because he was destined for wonderful things. He truly was. His brother was taken years later and he also has/had children whom were so young and that’s so hard because I can only imagine they may think about the same things as my sister and I, wondering if their lives would have been different and how it would have been different. There’s also a woman whom I was friends with growing up whom I can recall her standing up for me (not many people stand up for me) in moments of silly stuff and serious stuff whom was taken away way too soon. I ache wondering if they were scared or if they felt the love they had by those around them or the love that others have for them. I haven’t been sleeping well thinking of them all. I am so sorry to those whom have lost someone they love or were close to. I am trying to find the right comforting words and the one thing that keeps coming to my mind is that I try to find peace in knowing that they are all in a loving place and thinking they could potentially have the ability to watch us all here and our struggles and so on but if anything they all know they have been loved here and one day we shall all meet again. There’s so many wonderful people in the world and they have been taken ahead of their time. I truly feel blessed to have each day and I feel so much pain knowing that some had that taken from them way too soon. I am so sorry if this bring up any pain for anyone else I just wanted to share my personal experiences as I suffer with so many questions and I don’t have the answers or know how to find them. I’m just going to continue to pray for those we lost and always remember that I am blessed to have the time I have with my kids and watching them grow up and learn and laugh and all the beautiful things that make up this thing called LIFE.
Daily experience
Hi again. So the reality of how and why so many things seem to happen to me. After having my van break I was just in a bad place emotionally and then it just seems to get even worse. What happens to me is hard to believe a lot of the time but yet here it is… The following day I am getting my eight year old son onto his van for school and as he drives off I decided to just stand on my porch for a few minutes before continuing to get the girls ready for school and here comes a car literally flying down the street. Right behind it comes another car flying down right behind it. The cars get to the corner at the bottom of the road and I hear a gunshot or what definitely sounded like a gunshot. At first I thought no… can’t be a gunshot it was a car backfire or something and in seconds after I hear a woman screaming Oh My God OhMy God Help Help I immediately called the police because clearly it was definitely a gunshot I heard and the call goes to answering system and then they answer. I explain what happened and they said they are aware and sending someone. Asked me questions I didn’t have the answers to and then the dispatcher says I don’t want to make you upset or frustrated and he hangs up on me. Here the police show up and that’s it. They were securing the scene for the ambulance to come through. Then the ambulance arrived and transported the victim to the ER and start taping off the street. I’m completely beside myself at this moment because all the kids are heading out the door for school and there’s a shooting!! I just cannot believe this! I return to getting my pre schoolers off to school to get them out of the house and away from here. This has certainly rocked me and I’m in fear for my kids and my own safety at this point. I leave take them to school and return with the baby and then an office walks up the street and is looking for homes with cameras on their houses. He sees my wireless and starts to say something about it and I told him it’s not charged so it’s not collecting anything because it’s not on. (I have to charge both of my wireless cameras on the front and back porch of the house). The officer says that a man has a gunshot to his leg and is being treated and no further information at this time. They had the street taped off until noon and this happened at 7:30am and then the news reports that there was an accidental shooting that occurred as someone had accidentally shot themselves in the leg. That the public is safe. That was obviously a LIE as to not send the public into a panic. I am also hearing that all the stores on the square in town are being robbed at night so I feel that this is only getting worse and worse. Eventually the great Country will be destroyed by all these crimes being committed and the tax payers will be paying much more to keep these people in jail. It’s such a shame. It still seems so unreal that this kind of stuff is happening here and that it’s even happening at all around here. Not sure what the rest of the situation is because it’s not being spoken of but it’s very scary and I just wish we could move away to a safer and better place. I just don’t know how or why I seem to have so many things happen and almost daily. I feel like I need an aura cleanse or some kind of positive energy intervention. It’s like my bloodline had done something in their past and that bad karma or whatever is affecting me and my family with all the negative things. I feel that any prayers or cleansing would be greatly appreciated if anyone would like to say a prayer for us. Anyways that’s the update on daily happenings. As far as my van goes it’s broken and likely for good. The timing belt/chain is most likely what’s wrong with it and it may have warped or damaged something that makes the motor run when it broke and it is leaking oil because the gaskets are blown or something. I’m just so disappointed that we finally get into a home and that is just so important for us and even struggling to pay my rent is not enough because now my van is out of commission and most likely for good. I just don’t know what to do. We could use some positive energy. Hope everyone is having a better day/week/month/year than I/we are. Stay safe everyone. I appreciate you taking the time to read my daily experiences.
Here I sit, once again.
Hi there. So my sister is coming in tomorrow and she had plans to take me out to a nice fancy place to eat just to give me a break from the stresses and I have to pick her up at the airport tomorrow afternoon. So of course I’m on my way to the grocery store to buy food and then I have to get my kiddos from school. Well on my way my van just dies. It throws a code and says VSN and shuts off. The baby’s asleep in his car seat and here I am, stranded. I have to get my kids from school and my van will not start. I’m just so down in the dumps. When I feel calm and that things are getting better or have any sense of joy, something goes wrong. always. I don’t have any money to put into my van. My sister had bought me this van when my daughter was born in March of 2017 so it’s lasted me almost five years. But now I have to figure out what to even do. I’m just so disappointed and the struggle has really got me at a low point. I’m just really upset this happened. Not that I wasn’t waiting for the shoe to drop but the day before my sister comes. Why? Ugh I’m being told it’s the timing belt/chain and it could have warped the motor or something and it may not ever be driven again. I mean really? Can this really be it? I guess this is life. One thing after another. The snowball effect. Trying not to let it get me down so bad this time so the kids don’t see it because they need strength and positivity. So here I come world, be easy on me I have had one heck of a ride so far. Thank you all for reading my life happenings and just know you are not alone as stuff happens to us all. We have to try to hold it together and just keep moving forward hoping to get ahead, a little at a time. Have a wonderful day everyone! I shall leave you with some happiness in a photo of the Valentines project we did together for school.
Having Help
Hello again. I am just going to express some of my thoughts and feelings quick because I’m not sure many people understand why it’s so hard to be an adult and do what you have to do with kids and being a single parent. I tried to explain that many people whom have kids have family or friends they can trust and depend on to watch their children. Even if they only have one person that they can count on randomly watching their kids it’s better than no one and not at all. Just going to the store for a few items with the kids is such a hard time and stressful experience. When you hear the expression “It Takes a Village “ it is so true. One of the very reasons I wanted to have a big family is because this way my kids have each-other to help one another. I have one sister but because she lives so far away I can’t just have her sit with the kids while I run to the store or errands. Having all of them and say having to physically take everyone out to go into the pharmacy for three minutes is way too stressful and overwhelming. Or running into the grocery store for milk and bread turns into a whole other thing with kids wanting stuff I can’t afford or running around or fighting with each other or bumping into strangers because they are not paying attention. It’s just a lot. I hear some people complain that their mom or dad or family is to involved in their lives and they hate it I often say or think to myself you have no idea how lucky you are to have that. Think of how hard things would be if you didn’t have that. Most of the time their family that is in their business is only doing it because they care and want what’s best for them. I wish I had that. I wish I could do so many things that just seem way out of reach for me. I feel like by the time I can actually gain some ground in life I will be too old to actually enjoy anything. My credit score has dropped for unknown reasons (maybe because I paid the minimum payment for the last few months?) or because I have had to use them more than normal? Idk but I have to start looking for a new place soon because I can’t stay here much longer so when my lease is up I’m going to have to move out and pray we don’t end up on the street with the economy like it is and now housing being far few and in between because of all the immigration. I’m so worried about everything. I have been on the list for housing choice vouchers in a few different areas but not sure if I’m even going to get that before my lease is up. I could really use some prayers. Thanks for taking the time to read this and I’m sorry if my life often seems like a negative energy I wish it wasn’t that way too. Be safe and stay healthy!
Christmas draws even closer
I’m under so much pressure and stress I feel so unwound. Every single day that Christmas gets even closer I am more and more overwhelmed and becoming depressed because I can not do for my children as I would like to. Having had lost their home then their father and as if that wasn’t enough they lost at least half of their belongings in the storage unit because it became wet and moldy and destroyed so I had to throw it out. I hate not being able to provide them with what they need to make them feel happy and that they to are good and Santa hasn’t forgotten them. We are on some lists such as the USPS Santa Helper site and I even sent the letter before Thanksgiving just so it would be one of the first but I looked for it and either it’s too sad to post online or they never posted it at all. But maybe, just maybe someone has adopted us and we will receive gifts in the mail soon. I just have no idea and there’s no one to even ask what happened to our letter. I’m also on another list through my children’s school. I’m certain that list should provide them with some gifts. It’s a shame when you have to choose between rent, food, bills or Christmas gifts. Obviously I know having a home is utmost importance so that’s where all the money I have goes. I’m in such debt with my credit cards that I can’t really use them to the max because I lean on them for food and the important stuff that I can’t buy after I pay my rent. I wish that these donations at least told us parents for sure if we would be getting something for the kids. They actually have until Christmas Eve to deliver gifts so I’m forced to wait and pray that they will be able to donate before the deadline. I feel like a failure for them and with the awful summer they are feeling like they are all on the Naughty List and Santa has no idea where they went because we moved. I feel so bad. I don’t even know how to begin asking for help elsewhere because there’s so many people in this Country suffering that I hate to take from them or their kids and I just sit back and say nothing. I’m truly at a standstill. I know that my oldest is going to believe that he was not behaved and Santa put him on the Naughty list and my youngest will just say he doesn’t know where we live. It’s eventually going to turn around and I will eventually be able to post happier times and experiences. I will end this post with a Christmas photo from last year to show how excited and happy my kids are around Christmas time. BONUS** hey, I actually could make one good thing from this Holiday and that’s take my own photo shoot since I have the backdrops and lights from a Photo Booth kit I bought years ago… Yes! Some actual excitement and joy! I wish everyone a Safe and very Merry Christmas and a Safe Happy New Year!!
Desire to feel good about yourself again!
I’m feeling like I’m at a standstill. Have you ever felt like no matter what you do it seems you can’t get ahead or feel good about yourself with the way things are? I don’t know how else to describe what I’m feeling. I’m so blessed and happy that we have a place to call home but at the same time I also feel like this can be temporary. I would love to have my own home for my children that no one can make us move or leave at a whim or each year I have to worry the owner/landlord might wish to increase the rent or sell and I have to leave and figure something out again. The stress that situation put my entire family under is one thing I don’t care to experience ever again. When I look at myself in the mirror I don’t feel good about myself anymore and I’m not sure how to get myself out of this rut I’m in emotionally and even physically. I have to say though there’s so many bigger issues out there that it’s least of my worries right now with Christmas coming up and all the changes my kids endured over the summer. Thank you for keeping up with us and our well being. I appreciate you! May you and yours be blessed in all that you do!
