Hello. I’m just sitting here feeling so defeated. I think to myself there’s one thing we all dream of having and it’s having a family and a home together building ones identity through that. As a child we moved a few times but then my mother up and split when we were just 16&1/2 and 17&1/2 years old and left us with our childish step father I guess assuming he would take care of things but he didn’t he just began selling everything he could the washer dryer the refrigerator and appliances and then the furniture went and it was then my sister was forced to live in with her boyfriend at that time and me into my own apartment with my much older and abusive boyfriend at that time. So then everything else left inside our home was cleared out and the house was rented to someone else. My sister had what seemed to be a supportive family with her boyfriend at that time and his family and I of course was eventually poisoned with what the doctors said was sinuses or rat poison and my kidney swelled up five times it size and while in the hospital I was told that they couldn’t prove that my boyfriend did it to me for sure so he was able to walk freely and move on with his life. I then also had to heal and then figure out where I was going to live and how to pay for that too especially since I didn’t have a job. I ultimately moved into my own apartment barely getting by and found myself in another bad spot. I feel like I’m forever doomed to be in a bad spot. Well that’s just a SMALL bit of what was my childhood. I never had any support system and because of not having much family involvement I now don’t have anyone for my children. They have just me. My daughters kindergarten graduation was beautiful but sad as the child before her had a large family and group cheering for him and it became quiet and my daughters name was called and there was a tiny clapping from my 2 yr old son and myself. My kids don’t have a large support system but I will keep fighting to give them whatever I can. Praying my love for them and my cheers for their accomplishments are enough and when they grow up they all have one another to create that large family support system amongst themselves. Thank you all for reading my posts and my life experiences.
Tag Archives: prayers
Surgery update.
Hello everyone. I wanted to make a post on the progress of my umbilical hernia surgery but things went way sideways for me as usual. I just can’t catch a break. My surgeon was going to fix my tummy muscles since having children has spread them apart and makes me have a belly no matter what I do and fix my umbilical hernia too so that when I work out I don’t land in the er having severe pain because the fat has gone through my hernia causing me pain. Anyways as he opened me up he saw that my hernia was way larger than anticipated and he also found a second smaller hernia that he just sewed together and then he put the mesh in and it took much longer than expected so he couldn’t do my belly muscles at this time. He did make it clear that in about a year he would be willing to do the muscle surgery if I can not repair it with exercise. I pray exercise gives me what I’m looking for because this surgery is unbelievable with the pain for the first four to five days. It hurts to talk breathe and move in any way. Hurts to cough sneeze or potty. I’m much better now but my body is having an allergic reaction to the glue he used to see me back together so now my tummy is enflamed red itchy and just so sore. I’m having pains in my appendix area and went to see the surgeon today and my PCP and was given steroids by my PCP but the surgeon said not to take them to take Benadryl instead. What a mess. I’m just suffering so much. He says because he had to see some of my muscles together that might be the pains I’m having by my appendix so we will wait till Friday and see what the pains are about. Let’s pray it’s not my appendix and they burst or something crazy. I had three appointments today back to back so I’m really exhausted and having the kids who don’t acknowledge that I’m not doing so well isn’t helpful either. But for now I’m going to bed on my Benadryl and pray that the healing happens faster and properly. I’m just tired and ready to give up all together. I have fought so hard to just get a home and some stability for my kids and all these things keep happening to me and I’m just burnt out. Pray for me please I really need some positivity and good vibes sent my way. Thank you all for reading about me. I greatly appreciate your interest and prayers and concerns. Have a great night all!
Well needless to say another complication from surgery has come to light. So when I woke from surgery my mouth hurt like where your wisdom teeth would come in. I thought maybe the tube had prongs to hold it still and the anesthesia people just had placed one of the prongs on the wrong area and it would go away. Well it didn’t and I ended up seeing my dentist because I had no clue why my jaw was killing me so badly and I thought maybe an abscess. I see him and he tells me that it’s from surgery that when they put the tube in my throat they chipped my bone causing this pain and now I have to see an ENT or oral surgeon whomever can get it taken care of. It’s called something specific I just can’t think of it right now. Anyways I’m suffering tremendous jaw pain and taking Motrin around the clock as every five hours it’s work off and I have to bare to deal with the extra hour to take it again. It’s unreal. I’m seeing the ENT in the morning after weeks and weeks one this I can’t wait for them to fix it. I shall update anything relating to my surgery on this post page. Please send positive vibes and prayers my way. I truly can’t stand the pain anymore and I may even have strep and the flu on top of it all as my youngest was just swabbed positive for it yesterday. Ugh! Thanks for taking time to read my thoughts. Have a Blessed day everyone!
Medications via injection
Good morning everyone. I am just going to dive straight into it. So yesterday I had taken my youngest for a well visit and he had to get vaccinated and he was injected once in each leg. As the RN was getting ready for his shots she had left the shots and meds in the room as she left the room twice. Mind you I’m alone with my 2yr old and my 6yr old. Obviously my 6 yr old is trying to touch the tray. She comes back in the first time sees my child touching this tray and moves it further onto the desk and then proceeds to leave the room again and tells out to another nurse to close out her window on the computer. She comes back in for the second time and writes down the information I request for each vaccine. Lot number brand and manufacturers info. She is now on the computer and loads these needles with the vaccine. The shots look pretty large to me but who am I because I’m not the nurse so I take into account she’s the professional and knows what she’s doing. I then help her getting my son laid down as she wipes him with the alcohol and then she gives him the first shot he gets upset but not too bad he kind of like what, why? Anyways then the second shot goes into his left leg and it looks full to me or too much let’s say and she sticks the needle in to the butt of the syringe so the entire 1”&1/2 in his little leg and the needle like bent or leaned sort of. Looked like it bent when it reached the bottom of the syringe. He immediately starts to get super upset. I said wow that looked painful and why the needle bent or looked like it bent. I lift him up holing him consoling him in my arms still speaking to the needle bending. She responded with awe he’s so cute (he was trying hard to compose himself as he wasn’t flipping out as he should be) anyways she then left the room. The feeling of being defeated by the medical profession was upon me. I don’t like to tell people negativity about how they do their job or profession but as a mom I felt in my gut that she messed this up in multiple ways. The amount of meds and the depth the needle went into him seemed way too far. I messaged the pediatrician inmost immediately upon returning home as my son now walks holding that leg and I messaged her again this morning saying how he has a fever (supposedly normal after vaccines) but more importantly he throwing up and he woke in the night complaining about his leg and now this morning he’s throwing up and complaining of his leg and has this fever. There’s no reverse for vaccines or anything that’s injected into a person so I don’t expect much of a response from his doctor but I feel it should be a given that anyone getting an injection should be shown the proper dose and the syringe to rest assured that the proper dose is inside the syringe. Am I wrong? Why are we all supposed to inexplicably supposed to just trust doctors and nurses like they don’t make mistakes or cause any harm? They are human too and they too make mistakes. I’m just so upset about my boy being sick and in pain and unwell. Idk what can I do about this and what can I do next time. Do I ask to see the dosing and the amount placed into the syringe and that they have to use a smaller needle this way even if it’s placed in the muscle there’s no chance that the needle is too long and make its way all the way to the bone if put in all the way like my sons nurse did to him. I am just so worried and upset. Thanks for listening/reading my daily experiences. Hope I found you well and that this post encourages other parents to always speak up and ask to see the dose ask if you want a smaller needle used and always trust your gut.
I’m so sensitive and emotional
I’m such an emotionally connected person. I feel so connected to others and that has me on edge so much. I feel like I have been crying over everything lately. I have been able to ask for permission to leave items at my childhood best friend’s place of rest. I am there so much but didn’t want to be disrespectful and leave things without asking first. Needless to say I was told it’s okay to leave items and I have been as I miss my friend and more than usual lately. Him and his brothers were like our little street family. Growing up at that time we would leave our house after school and have to be home when the street lights came on as that was our rule other than that we didn’t have boundaries and stuff so we often were on that Street where most of the boys lived. Or the ones we liked. Anyway my friend has been gone for 22 years now and it’s still so raw like I have never gotten closure and haven’t been able to heal fully from his passing. He had joined the Air Force and left this state to begin his new life and was in an unfortunate accident and was taken away from this world so incredibly young. He was 20. I just can’t believe he is gone just gone. Feel broken like there is so much he had to offer this world and so many things that have been left unsaid. He was my friend and he truly meant so much more to me and he definitely felt that way too. We were just in different paths at that time and we knew that. I can recall so many memories of him and his smile his laugh his walk even how he would sit and watch us all and laugh and smile with us. I remember things I probably didn’t even think that much about, back then, as I was so young and him too. So much to process. I feel like he is a part of my soul family and look forward to meeting him and seeing him and laughing and talking to him again one day. I have been driving and I think about a question and the next song that plays sorta relates to my question and I wonder if that’s some kind of connection or strange thing I can’t understand right now. I’m not sure. But I do know that I feel connected to him and wish he would come to me in a dream or some that I can see him and talk about and remember the dream the next day. I will continue to spend time and visit him and sit with him at his resting place and give him some company and talk about stuff that happens but somehow I have to know why my feelings are so strong and what they are or mean. I feel like I’m the one person besides his mom that spends time with him at his resting place and I don’t know why because he truly is/was an incredible person and an amazing friend and more.
Easter is coming soon!
Good morning. I love the Holidays and the time I get with my kids even though they make me bananas daily. I look forward to the Spring Break and pray the weather is super nice. I have a lot of work ahead of myself as there is another sale coming and I really need a side hustle to pay my rent. I just don’t make enough money and now that my van is broken and remains broken because I don’t have the money to fix it I really need an income for my kids. Life is just so hard on me. Some days are enlightening because I just love my kids faces and they bring my heart so much love and bliss but other days I just feel like I’m failing them because I can’t do much more than I am already trying to do. I’m always getting scam calls and emails and I believe in these people but they are just lying to me and I have to learn how to weed out the bad and only let in the honest and true. Anyways here’s hoping I can manage Easter dinner and maybe get some stiff sold to make money to pay my rent and fix my van. I know that’s reaching but here’s hoping. I’ll leave you with a little bit of joy as my Girls saw the Easter bunny at school and they were able to get beautiful matching dresses cheap and they just look so happy and adorable so I hope their faces bring you happiness as they do me. Kids are so innocent and perfect I wish I could feel like a kid again. Have a beautiful blessed day everyone!
Trying to have a side hustle
Everybody good morning. I hope to find everyone well. I am on my way to do a pop-up kids consignment. I have washed cleaned and hung and tagged all of my kids stuff that doesn’t fit or they never wore and I am going to try to make some extra money to pay my rent, because Lord knows I struggle paying my rent so much, it would be so much cheaper for me to move into a home that I owned and have $600 mortgage rather than pay double that for House) that’s not even mine. With that being said I am very excited and hope that I sell a lot of my items. I certainly don’t price high. I think the highest priced clothing item is $10 And the highest priced equipment like baby swings stuff like that is $30 so I don’t think I have anything with me today that’s over $30 so I’m hoping that I make some decent money I really could use it my girls want to do cheerleading that cost money my son wants to play baseball that cost money my van is broken and I have to drive my kids to these extracurricular activities and that is just not easy to do and because I don’t have any friends I can’t ask anyone to take us or take my kids so that doesn’t help but hopefully this goes well for me. Please say a little prayer and thanks in advance for reading my post. Hope you all have a wonderful day, stay safe and healthy.
Been through some stuff but…
Good morning. So I have been thinking a lot about the cards I have been felt and I am so grateful even with all the awful turns and bad things that just keep happening to me. Because I’m grateful for my children and having each day with them even though it is a lot on me day after day I am incredibly grateful to have them as they are my lifelong dream come true. I have wanted children of my very own since I can even remember or knew where babies came from haha. Lately I have been thinking a lot about those who were taken away from us too soon. Or those that I knew because there’s been so many people in the world taken before their time. I’m so sad to think about those who are no longer with us. My Dad is the first one I think of and knowing how my sister and I call ourselves orphans because we may have family but we don’t have the kind of family like we would like. People who have a very involved and a family whom gets together on holidays and spends time together just because often complain how they hate their family being there or meddling in their lives but they are super lucky to have that village. That’s what I strive for my kids to have with me. An open door policy knowing they can come home at any time they want and I will always go through it with them and be here for them no matter what. Anyways I often think how differently my life would have turned out had my father not died when I was a toddler. I also think of friends that have been taken so incredibly young. When I was in middle school a friend had an awful car accident that took her life and I always ask why? She was so perfect. She drank sure but she didn’t curse or smoke or do anything wrong ever and she had great grades and was beautiful and just an incredible person. She had a great family and support system and when I found out she was taken it was such a shock because she’s such an incredible person. Then my cousin who is/was also an incredible person and young man who just had a child with his newly married wife. He also was taken was too soon. Just had his wedding and a new baby I just don’t understand why. Then there’s my best friend who I grew up with and learned a LOT about life with and ran the streets with (back then it was safer and we all did that) and had so many memories together. Needless to say he had left here to start a new chapter in his life joined the service and was such an impressionable young man. He was doing big things. He had such a beautiful heart and even saying that seems like an understatement as he was just an incredible person and so kind and thoughtful and giving and more. He was TWENTY when he was taken. At that time I was in a relationship with my ex and he was very controlling and I was not able to attend my friends funeral and that still sits poorly with me. But that was what I was dealing with at that time but I wanted so much to have some closure and to say goodbye for now to my friend. I have often thought about him and the weeks leading up to his passing and hoping that he was happy and that he felt love and all the joy with those around him. It truly breaks my heart because he was destined for wonderful things. He truly was. His brother was taken years later and he also has/had children whom were so young and that’s so hard because I can only imagine they may think about the same things as my sister and I, wondering if their lives would have been different and how it would have been different. There’s also a woman whom I was friends with growing up whom I can recall her standing up for me (not many people stand up for me) in moments of silly stuff and serious stuff whom was taken away way too soon. I ache wondering if they were scared or if they felt the love they had by those around them or the love that others have for them. I haven’t been sleeping well thinking of them all. I am so sorry to those whom have lost someone they love or were close to. I am trying to find the right comforting words and the one thing that keeps coming to my mind is that I try to find peace in knowing that they are all in a loving place and thinking they could potentially have the ability to watch us all here and our struggles and so on but if anything they all know they have been loved here and one day we shall all meet again. There’s so many wonderful people in the world and they have been taken ahead of their time. I truly feel blessed to have each day and I feel so much pain knowing that some had that taken from them way too soon. I am so sorry if this bring up any pain for anyone else I just wanted to share my personal experiences as I suffer with so many questions and I don’t have the answers or know how to find them. I’m just going to continue to pray for those we lost and always remember that I am blessed to have the time I have with my kids and watching them grow up and learn and laugh and all the beautiful things that make up this thing called LIFE.
Daily experience
Hi again. So the reality of how and why so many things seem to happen to me. After having my van break I was just in a bad place emotionally and then it just seems to get even worse. What happens to me is hard to believe a lot of the time but yet here it is… The following day I am getting my eight year old son onto his van for school and as he drives off I decided to just stand on my porch for a few minutes before continuing to get the girls ready for school and here comes a car literally flying down the street. Right behind it comes another car flying down right behind it. The cars get to the corner at the bottom of the road and I hear a gunshot or what definitely sounded like a gunshot. At first I thought no… can’t be a gunshot it was a car backfire or something and in seconds after I hear a woman screaming Oh My God OhMy God Help Help I immediately called the police because clearly it was definitely a gunshot I heard and the call goes to answering system and then they answer. I explain what happened and they said they are aware and sending someone. Asked me questions I didn’t have the answers to and then the dispatcher says I don’t want to make you upset or frustrated and he hangs up on me. Here the police show up and that’s it. They were securing the scene for the ambulance to come through. Then the ambulance arrived and transported the victim to the ER and start taping off the street. I’m completely beside myself at this moment because all the kids are heading out the door for school and there’s a shooting!! I just cannot believe this! I return to getting my pre schoolers off to school to get them out of the house and away from here. This has certainly rocked me and I’m in fear for my kids and my own safety at this point. I leave take them to school and return with the baby and then an office walks up the street and is looking for homes with cameras on their houses. He sees my wireless and starts to say something about it and I told him it’s not charged so it’s not collecting anything because it’s not on. (I have to charge both of my wireless cameras on the front and back porch of the house). The officer says that a man has a gunshot to his leg and is being treated and no further information at this time. They had the street taped off until noon and this happened at 7:30am and then the news reports that there was an accidental shooting that occurred as someone had accidentally shot themselves in the leg. That the public is safe. That was obviously a LIE as to not send the public into a panic. I am also hearing that all the stores on the square in town are being robbed at night so I feel that this is only getting worse and worse. Eventually the great Country will be destroyed by all these crimes being committed and the tax payers will be paying much more to keep these people in jail. It’s such a shame. It still seems so unreal that this kind of stuff is happening here and that it’s even happening at all around here. Not sure what the rest of the situation is because it’s not being spoken of but it’s very scary and I just wish we could move away to a safer and better place. I just don’t know how or why I seem to have so many things happen and almost daily. I feel like I need an aura cleanse or some kind of positive energy intervention. It’s like my bloodline had done something in their past and that bad karma or whatever is affecting me and my family with all the negative things. I feel that any prayers or cleansing would be greatly appreciated if anyone would like to say a prayer for us. Anyways that’s the update on daily happenings. As far as my van goes it’s broken and likely for good. The timing belt/chain is most likely what’s wrong with it and it may have warped or damaged something that makes the motor run when it broke and it is leaking oil because the gaskets are blown or something. I’m just so disappointed that we finally get into a home and that is just so important for us and even struggling to pay my rent is not enough because now my van is out of commission and most likely for good. I just don’t know what to do. We could use some positive energy. Hope everyone is having a better day/week/month/year than I/we are. Stay safe everyone. I appreciate you taking the time to read my daily experiences.
