I’m such an emotionally connected person. I feel so connected to others and that has me on edge so much. I feel like I have been crying over everything lately. I have been able to ask for permission to leave items at my childhood best friend’s place of rest. I am there so much but didn’t want to be disrespectful and leave things without asking first. Needless to say I was told it’s okay to leave items and I have been as I miss my friend and more than usual lately. Him and his brothers were like our little street family. Growing up at that time we would leave our house after school and have to be home when the street lights came on as that was our rule other than that we didn’t have boundaries and stuff so we often were on that Street where most of the boys lived. Or the ones we liked. Anyway my friend has been gone for 22 years now and it’s still so raw like I have never gotten closure and haven’t been able to heal fully from his passing. He had joined the Air Force and left this state to begin his new life and was in an unfortunate accident and was taken away from this world so incredibly young. He was 20. I just can’t believe he is gone just gone. Feel broken like there is so much he had to offer this world and so many things that have been left unsaid. He was my friend and he truly meant so much more to me and he definitely felt that way too. We were just in different paths at that time and we knew that. I can recall so many memories of him and his smile his laugh his walk even how he would sit and watch us all and laugh and smile with us. I remember things I probably didn’t even think that much about, back then, as I was so young and him too. So much to process. I feel like he is a part of my soul family and look forward to meeting him and seeing him and laughing and talking to him again one day. I have been driving and I think about a question and the next song that plays sorta relates to my question and I wonder if that’s some kind of connection or strange thing I can’t understand right now. I’m not sure. But I do know that I feel connected to him and wish he would come to me in a dream or some that I can see him and talk about and remember the dream the next day. I will continue to spend time and visit him and sit with him at his resting place and give him some company and talk about stuff that happens but somehow I have to know why my feelings are so strong and what they are or mean. I feel like I’m the one person besides his mom that spends time with him at his resting place and I don’t know why because he truly is/was an incredible person and an amazing friend and more.
Tag Archives: Grief
Been through some stuff but…
Good morning. So I have been thinking a lot about the cards I have been felt and I am so grateful even with all the awful turns and bad things that just keep happening to me. Because I’m grateful for my children and having each day with them even though it is a lot on me day after day I am incredibly grateful to have them as they are my lifelong dream come true. I have wanted children of my very own since I can even remember or knew where babies came from haha. Lately I have been thinking a lot about those who were taken away from us too soon. Or those that I knew because there’s been so many people in the world taken before their time. I’m so sad to think about those who are no longer with us. My Dad is the first one I think of and knowing how my sister and I call ourselves orphans because we may have family but we don’t have the kind of family like we would like. People who have a very involved and a family whom gets together on holidays and spends time together just because often complain how they hate their family being there or meddling in their lives but they are super lucky to have that village. That’s what I strive for my kids to have with me. An open door policy knowing they can come home at any time they want and I will always go through it with them and be here for them no matter what. Anyways I often think how differently my life would have turned out had my father not died when I was a toddler. I also think of friends that have been taken so incredibly young. When I was in middle school a friend had an awful car accident that took her life and I always ask why? She was so perfect. She drank sure but she didn’t curse or smoke or do anything wrong ever and she had great grades and was beautiful and just an incredible person. She had a great family and support system and when I found out she was taken it was such a shock because she’s such an incredible person. Then my cousin who is/was also an incredible person and young man who just had a child with his newly married wife. He also was taken was too soon. Just had his wedding and a new baby I just don’t understand why. Then there’s my best friend who I grew up with and learned a LOT about life with and ran the streets with (back then it was safer and we all did that) and had so many memories together. Needless to say he had left here to start a new chapter in his life joined the service and was such an impressionable young man. He was doing big things. He had such a beautiful heart and even saying that seems like an understatement as he was just an incredible person and so kind and thoughtful and giving and more. He was TWENTY when he was taken. At that time I was in a relationship with my ex and he was very controlling and I was not able to attend my friends funeral and that still sits poorly with me. But that was what I was dealing with at that time but I wanted so much to have some closure and to say goodbye for now to my friend. I have often thought about him and the weeks leading up to his passing and hoping that he was happy and that he felt love and all the joy with those around him. It truly breaks my heart because he was destined for wonderful things. He truly was. His brother was taken years later and he also has/had children whom were so young and that’s so hard because I can only imagine they may think about the same things as my sister and I, wondering if their lives would have been different and how it would have been different. There’s also a woman whom I was friends with growing up whom I can recall her standing up for me (not many people stand up for me) in moments of silly stuff and serious stuff whom was taken away way too soon. I ache wondering if they were scared or if they felt the love they had by those around them or the love that others have for them. I haven’t been sleeping well thinking of them all. I am so sorry to those whom have lost someone they love or were close to. I am trying to find the right comforting words and the one thing that keeps coming to my mind is that I try to find peace in knowing that they are all in a loving place and thinking they could potentially have the ability to watch us all here and our struggles and so on but if anything they all know they have been loved here and one day we shall all meet again. There’s so many wonderful people in the world and they have been taken ahead of their time. I truly feel blessed to have each day and I feel so much pain knowing that some had that taken from them way too soon. I am so sorry if this bring up any pain for anyone else I just wanted to share my personal experiences as I suffer with so many questions and I don’t have the answers or know how to find them. I’m just going to continue to pray for those we lost and always remember that I am blessed to have the time I have with my kids and watching them grow up and learn and laugh and all the beautiful things that make up this thing called LIFE.
