Hello. I’m just sitting here feeling so defeated. I think to myself there’s one thing we all dream of having and it’s having a family and a home together building ones identity through that. As a child we moved a few times but then my mother up and split when we were just 16&1/2 and 17&1/2 years old and left us with our childish step father I guess assuming he would take care of things but he didn’t he just began selling everything he could the washer dryer the refrigerator and appliances and then the furniture went and it was then my sister was forced to live in with her boyfriend at that time and me into my own apartment with my much older and abusive boyfriend at that time. So then everything else left inside our home was cleared out and the house was rented to someone else. My sister had what seemed to be a supportive family with her boyfriend at that time and his family and I of course was eventually poisoned with what the doctors said was sinuses or rat poison and my kidney swelled up five times it size and while in the hospital I was told that they couldn’t prove that my boyfriend did it to me for sure so he was able to walk freely and move on with his life. I then also had to heal and then figure out where I was going to live and how to pay for that too especially since I didn’t have a job. I ultimately moved into my own apartment barely getting by and found myself in another bad spot. I feel like I’m forever doomed to be in a bad spot. Well that’s just a SMALL bit of what was my childhood. I never had any support system and because of not having much family involvement I now don’t have anyone for my children. They have just me. My daughters kindergarten graduation was beautiful but sad as the child before her had a large family and group cheering for him and it became quiet and my daughters name was called and there was a tiny clapping from my 2 yr old son and myself. My kids don’t have a large support system but I will keep fighting to give them whatever I can. Praying my love for them and my cheers for their accomplishments are enough and when they grow up they all have one another to create that large family support system amongst themselves. Thank you all for reading my posts and my life experiences.
Tag Archives: Heartbroken
I’m so sensitive and emotional
I’m such an emotionally connected person. I feel so connected to others and that has me on edge so much. I feel like I have been crying over everything lately. I have been able to ask for permission to leave items at my childhood best friend’s place of rest. I am there so much but didn’t want to be disrespectful and leave things without asking first. Needless to say I was told it’s okay to leave items and I have been as I miss my friend and more than usual lately. Him and his brothers were like our little street family. Growing up at that time we would leave our house after school and have to be home when the street lights came on as that was our rule other than that we didn’t have boundaries and stuff so we often were on that Street where most of the boys lived. Or the ones we liked. Anyway my friend has been gone for 22 years now and it’s still so raw like I have never gotten closure and haven’t been able to heal fully from his passing. He had joined the Air Force and left this state to begin his new life and was in an unfortunate accident and was taken away from this world so incredibly young. He was 20. I just can’t believe he is gone just gone. Feel broken like there is so much he had to offer this world and so many things that have been left unsaid. He was my friend and he truly meant so much more to me and he definitely felt that way too. We were just in different paths at that time and we knew that. I can recall so many memories of him and his smile his laugh his walk even how he would sit and watch us all and laugh and smile with us. I remember things I probably didn’t even think that much about, back then, as I was so young and him too. So much to process. I feel like he is a part of my soul family and look forward to meeting him and seeing him and laughing and talking to him again one day. I have been driving and I think about a question and the next song that plays sorta relates to my question and I wonder if that’s some kind of connection or strange thing I can’t understand right now. I’m not sure. But I do know that I feel connected to him and wish he would come to me in a dream or some that I can see him and talk about and remember the dream the next day. I will continue to spend time and visit him and sit with him at his resting place and give him some company and talk about stuff that happens but somehow I have to know why my feelings are so strong and what they are or mean. I feel like I’m the one person besides his mom that spends time with him at his resting place and I don’t know why because he truly is/was an incredible person and an amazing friend and more.
